This is one of the moments when I just want to shut everything out because giving more tolerance to circumstances only reminds me that I am stuck in this small space. I am a claustrophobe, remember?

My life meanders from one thing to another despite my feeble attempts to control it. It has the tendency to disperse, get flaccid, to scroll and festoon like the frame of an ornate mirror, which comes from the line of least resistance. I wanted my life to be neat and simple like the basic white dress with sequins lining much praised by fashion magazines, or the brass bracelet that adorns my bare skin.

I think about the complexities of my life when I am confronted by a serene environment, or a quite moment like now-- when I stay up at the front of the computer in the ennui of the night. Sometimes my life surprises me.

The last time I was in Boracay, I had hoped to resolve some of my issues. I had visions of my life in technicolor, free at last from chains of the past. But because of too much idealism, I instead envisioned myself as a Boracay splendor, golden-brown in sarong bikinis, striding with laughing teeth into the aqua sea, carefree at last. But when I looked again at people in pretentious cape or in a fluttered bed sheet, I realized that I was only a transient for two days. Smiles ebbed. No wonder idealists always end up disillusioned if not dead.

I guess I stayed in this phase longer than I intended. For the record, my transience at the place where I live now extended up to one and a half years. That does not normally happen. Also for the longest time, I haven't been with someone whom I could parade as my boyfriend. There is also very little development with regard to other areas of my life, and I am still impatient when dealing with brushes and oil paints.

To give me a clearer idea of how my life has been going on, I browsed my Friendster network for the first time in months.

Boy, I am surprised with what I found out!

Not so long ago, an incredible saga formed among four characters-- me and three not-so-very-interesting earthlings. One of them was this girl who was number one on my so-called Hit List. Well now at 30, she is married. Funny how I felt when I saw her bright disposition on her pictures together with her husband. She has a new life, and I am still in a pothole. Perhaps I have already forgiven her without really forgiving her.

Then there was the schoolmate of mine who is now married to the man I dated seven years ago. I have no opinion on the girl but I remember the guy to be really confident about himself. He was only 24 when we dated. He is now 31 and very much married.

Then there were my highschool friends who are already married, if not carefully planning out their weddings with their future husbands. I do not want to hate them for reminding me that my life is dull in contrast but they are overly happy, to the point that it became the reason to envy them.

And then there were those friends and former classmates who just drifted apart, or disappeared like smoke. For some reasons, not one of them bothered to contact me for my whereabouts. Tsk. I feel sorry about dead friendships.


I am now waiting for my moment to shine. My fingers are crossed that it will not be too long. I am giving myself two years to find my place under the sun then I will get married a year after that. That is the final plan.


In the meantime, I have no time to lose. I need to move on to the next phase.



N.B. By the way, I think I am still a lousy writer